While I have been busy patting myself on the back for a successful journey through the Unknown Zone this past year, I failed to bring up that one thing that seems to catch me frozen in the headlights like a scared bunny.
I find it ironic, that in a life that has been as unconventional as mine; where I could find the courage to do so many things that were stranger than fiction, I have trouble stepping out of my box of aloneness. The word that comes to mind is trepidation, which is essentially a fear of something that may happen.
Being alone has worked for me. It has given me long stretches of time to contemplate, to be at ease with silence or to fill the silence with whatever I want. I am seldom bored and quite frankly between work, Tucker the dog, Buddy the bird, the kids and friends, I seldom feel as if I am alone. I am comfortable with my own company and it is only on rare moments that I find myself gazing upon happy couples and feeling sad or angry because that one piece of myself has been eliminated.
It is easy to say that being on my own for the rest of my life would be OK. There are so many advantages. What has me thinking is not that I am unhappy with my aloneness, but I am surprised at the level of need to stick with the status quo. I feel trepidation every time I consider stepping out of my zone of comfort. Some people are afraid of spiders or snakes, some of flying in airplanes, others of heights. I am terrified of allowing someone into my safe aloneness.
There, I said it. What’s more I have looked at all the why’s and how’s and fully understand how silly it really is. I get it. In truth, I don’t think I want to spend the rest of my life alone. I am ready to consider another option, I just might not be quite ready to implement. Ding Dang, that was ambiguous!
So, I guess my conclusion is that I am aware that it isn’t just the comfort of my aloneness that I am protecting, but it is the fear of stepping into the Unknown Zone.... again. Caught in the act.
