A Painful Admission

Note to self: when applying shimmery lip gloss, be certain that at no time should a piece of shimmer get stuck in the middle age lip lines that spoke out from my still quite adequate lips.  The errant sparkle just seems to shimmer and highlight the oh so lovely lines, which no amount of highly expensive anti-aging products seems to be able to master.

I know that I have been blogging a lot about age lately.  Face it, once you hit a certain birthday, aging becomes your Unknown Zone.  Show me a book about this type of Unknown.

There are books about puberty.  My mother placed such a book outside my bedroom door along with a box of Kotex pads.  After dinner that night she asked me if I had any questions.  Mortified, I said no and quickly got up from the table.  After all, we had a class and movie in school which explained everything.  Well, not really, but whatever else I needed to know my friends were happy to supply.

There are lots of books about parenting.  In fact there are shelves of books in Barnes and Noble about how to be a perfect parent.  I don't think I ever read one, which might explain.....no dammit, I was a perfect Mom! :)  Well, aside from the cussing, maybe.

There are plenty of books about menopause.  None that were helpful to me, but nonetheless I did try to read some of them. I just happened to be the book buyer at Kripalu when menopause hit.  I ordered every book on menopause that I could find. Hey, they just flew off the shelves!

However, I don't think that books on parenting and books on menopause really cover what I am experiencing right now.  The science of aging is not what I need to know about.  My mother's aging doesn't apply (even if she left a book outside my door). Those of us who are over 50 are not looking at being the same kind of senior citizens that we have known in the past.  There is no pension, no retirement, and maybe no social security or medicare for me on the horizon. I am not trying to be a downer, but the playing field has shifted.

The fact is, I sometimes wish it was like when we were in the 7th grade.  As each of us attained woman hood we shared all the details with our friends.  We learned about which lipsticks worked best, how to use a razor for the first time, or how a tampon worked better than a pad. It was an exciting time.  We were becoming women.

I can't think of one of my friends (and I love all of my friends!) who has texted me lately saying "hey watch out when you apply the shimmery lip gloss!)  I don't think as a group we are as excited about the new becoming as we were. I think that this aging process is a mixed bag, but regardless of how this process has effected us, we are all in it.  My friends are truly warrior goddesses. Marathon running, belly dancing, Harley riding hot mama's. Yet, I am not sure if any of us are really, truly comfortable with this process. It hits us all in different ways, but it still hits us at some point.  Whether we color our hair or not, whether we hop on a Harley or walk our dog, this journey is just as inevitable as puberty.

And I just want to wear shimmery lip gloss to highlight my still rather nice lips.

Growing Old(er)

The other day I went to my mailbox to see what was waiting for me. A check perhaps? No, what I found was an over sized post card selling me hearing aides and a mailing from the Dignity Memorial people hoping that I will do my end of life planning with them at their convenient location in Boulder.

I have nothing against hearing aides or end of life planning.  My kids can rest easy knowing that my "final expenses" are covered.  Those aren't my words, but I think I saw an ad on TV suggesting that my kids should be relieved of that burden.

I don't get a lot of mail and when I do it is mostly bills and work related materials. That is OK.  But somehow I have gotten onto a "senior citizen" list.  Am I a senior citizen already?  When exactly did that happen?

When I look in a mirror I clearly see that I am not 30 or 40 anymore.  I am very aware that I am a few birthdays past the big Five O.  Not a problem. I don't even mind when my daughter tells me that I drive like a senior citizen.  By the way, she could not clarify exactly what it was about my driving that seemed particularly "seniorish". If you are going to make the claim, you better be able to follow up with specifics.  After all my aging brain might have trouble with nuance.

I do know that with each passing day, the grim reaper hovers ever closer. But listen up folks, I feel great!  I am active and happy. My hearing is fine. I don't need Depends. I can get in and out of my bathtub without trouble. I don't need a HoveRound scooter. I really don't think I need Life Alert quite yet. I have a few more good years left in these old bones.

Beware, all you corporate marketer's eager to add me to your list!  I am spending my money LIVING my life.  I buy good food and great wine to consume with my loved ones. I love books, music, travel, and shoes!  Send me stuff about that. I will throw the rest away.

What we are hiding?

You're a wonder,
how bright you shine,
flickered candle in a short lifetime,
secret dreamer that never shows,
if no one sees you then nobody knows,
and all these words you were meant to say,
held in silence day after day,
words of kindness that our poor hearts crave,
please don't keep them hidden away.
josh groban

No matter how many times I tell the people that I love, how much I love them, do they know deeply and purely what they mean to me? Do I tell them the countless times during each day that I know my life is better, sweeter, brighter, just because they are in it with me? Do they know my dreams?

What about the friends and acquaintances that lift me up in innumerable ways? Have I told each one how special they are to me? Do they know that without their presence in my life, each day would be a little less bright? Do they know that I could not get through today without them?

I get caught up in my days, in my ego, in my thoughts about what my tomorrows will be. I get caught up in thoughts of fear and loss, what if I say the wrong thing, what if it is silly? I get caught up in what I think is reality, which is quicksand for the dreamer.  I hide some of me or all of me depending on who is looking.

How sweet the world might be if we stopped hiding; if we shared words of kindness with each other instead of words of fear or lack. I don't think it is naive to believe that by pursuing our own happiness we could create joy, peace and love in the lives of those around us. It's a win-win.

Today I choose to step into the unknown and stop hiding.



 

Lessons I Am Learning

Today has just been one of those days.  My computer had issues all morning.  I have just felt grumpy.

That is OK.  After all I did get a free coffee today.  My dog and my bird love me.  I know because my bird can actually say "I Love You" and my dog just is love.  In the presence of free coffee and unconditional love, I can't say that I feel very grumpy anymore.

Lesson here?  When you feel like the world has got you down - feel the love.