Reality

Honestly? Not sure what I was thinking. I THOUGHT that I could spend 2 days fitting my life into one small room and then be back to work at the Starbucks du jour, neatly keeping all emotions in place and being productive. It felt normal to read my emails and respond accordingly. Yesterday went well. Today I found myself alone in the Superior branch of "Buckies" with tears running down my face as I tried to work at the speed and pace that I did just last week.

Really? Hadn't I promised myself a couple of days to do nothing? Hadn't I vowed to stay present? Instead I was crying into the phone to Sean as I tried to explain that my "remote to office" wasn't working. The staff at Starbucks chatted amongst themselves trying to ignore the woman sitting in the corner at a table and chair fussing over the next Four Winds Newsletter copy. I mean this is important stuff!

Hanging up the phone I shut down the computer that wasn't cooperating anyway, threw my cup and napkin away, got in the car and started driving. Here is what I was thinking:

I am sad and angry. (Newsflash!) I have worked hard all my life and I am a good person and yet I can't even allow myself 2 freaking days to do nothing. I feel obliged to be such a good employee and need to be valued by my empoyer more than I need to value myself. THIS IS NOT A GOOD START TO A NEW POINT OF VIEW. I am taking the rest of the day to feel sorry and sad and angry if I like. Who am I kidding if I can't even kid myself?

So, here I am in my small room which is the most warm and light spot that I have. I think tomorrow I will try it outside of the box that I have created for myself. After all, that is what the Unknown Zone is and that is what I am supposed to be doing.